New Course by Heaven's Heart

Wherefore art Thou, my fire of heart? I search but cannot find him; not under bridge nor stone nor shelter of tree. Thee is not upon mine branches nor upon mine hill. But pause - Upon the raging sea of mine heart doth I find thee? ... Yes - There to calm the storm within and make like peaceful brook mine soul. There Yee shall set on thy new course of Heaven’s eyes and Heaven’s heart to make mine muck of mess straight and narrow lest Heaven’s eyes burn their displeasure upon me. Amen and praise be, too he who carries the strength of obedience into thy heart, spun true gold, glimmers now; like a blazing sun it goes. Close heart; lock calmed sea within. Will I open thine own heart to thee again? But the eyes of Heaven surely hold mine answer. Now away with you prince to become a king! Until our heart’s draw forth with final patient plea, from Heaven’s heart our key, dwell not upon mine own to lovingly (though I do not know if I have the strength to bear the same…steadfast be, my soul and Heaven hold me!) and fare thee, travel well ...

The End.

My spirit is wild with anticipation for the Lord today... I can't deny his Word a minute longer...

(Written right before reading the final chapters in the Book of Daniel. I have been reading through it slowly over the last month... trying to soak it in. After reading it, I was overwhelmed, literally by profound sight... I was thrown to my face in adoration and pleading for the end of days... the following is my journal entry about it)

I have been shaken like no other.

For the first time (that I can recall) in my 28 years of living, I was hit like a ton of bricks in regard to the profoundness of the end of this age: the end of this material and miraculously crafted world of humans. All of the implications of the end and even the end of my one mere life in particular have struck a large resounding chord within my mind's eye and my spirit - I am beside myself.

Everyone around me will face their end. Most will face it without concern of what that means.

I have always believed easily and retorted easily that my days here may be numbered but I live without fear because eternity exists beyond the material confines of this life. This belief came easily perhaps because of the faith I was born into and blessed to have been surrounded by my whole life so far. I've truly believed ever since I can remember. There was never a question or a battle in my mind in regard to the afterlife or if there is one. Sure, I have thought about it theologically and rationally, but never have I doubted it.

Therefore, it took 28 years for it's PROFOUND IMPLICATIONS to really hit me with the full force of it's veracity. The reality of this is like a movie in my mind... I can see it's fruition and it's power and what that means for us, for me NOW.

I see and feel deeply the new power and vitality behind the words I have spoken my whole life: without the promise of an eternity with Christ and God, there is NO sense in even attempting to live this one life on Earth. If our destiny is only that there is no destiny and we are to die and our spirits, our light, is only to be snuffed out and burned up - just like our bodies, laid down to dust and nothing more, then what is the point of living in this tough and ragged world for a measly 100 years (if we are that lucky) or less??

Therein lies EVERYTHING behind my faith. ALL would be futile without the reality of that one most important promise: God exists beyond the time constraints of this universe and purposes to take our light of life with Him beyond the existence of this atom-based universe. My spirit is to go on, not to be snuffed out like I am a purposeless, happen-chance entity. HOW AWFUL IT WOULD BE WITHOUT THIS PROMISE.

Yes, all will come to an end and furthermore, a day will come when the chance to be born into this universe will end.

Crazy... it makes it hard to just sit and watch people walk around... a man just walked by my window and my spirit is aching for him... and everyone else I can see going to and fro.... do they know? Oh Lord!!!!! Don't let us be like mindless animals unaware of our purpose and our end!! Oh God, be true and let your promise be true! I know you are... save us, draw us!

Hence our, MY, secondary purpose..... telling people!!

YOU ARE created and chosen into this life, not random- for an eternal and divine existence with God ... and the entrance, the Keys to His Kingdom, lie in the hands of the Prince of Peace and Salvation..... Jesus. Call on Jesus and believe the promise that is stored up for you by the hands of the One who purposed to create you!!

Readily Frozen...

I feel frozen today. I am aware that I exist but there is nothing drawing me to a conclusive 'here' or 'there'. I just am. It is making me oddly aware of my human vulnerability; my frailness. That without God, I am nothing. I am acutely thankful for His presence in my life. No- not just his presence; He IS my life. Apart from Him and the warmth of His matchless love, I am cold and dead. It is a miracle to me, and it brings my to my knees... I am not alone and I am alive; vibrantly alive with a cornucopia of colors and sounds..... life. HIS life. There is no other way for me - now that I know, now that I have seen - there is no other.

Who am I? Where am I going? What am I here for? What am I doing?
Of course: I am a daughter of God, the High King and Father of life. I am going forward in Him and eventually on into Heaven. I am here for Him- to fulfill His bidding for my life and the expansion plans of His eternal kingdom. The question of questions is, WHAT am I doing? I feel I could be doing so much more and I know the things and places my heart desires to go: missions, equipping young adults for the Adventure that God is, marriage and babies.

SO, here I sit - On Sunday alone (not alone) in my apartment listening to the sounds of life bubbling outside my porch door: children playing, cars passing, trees rustling, breeze blowing.

Does the Lord approve? Of where I am at on this road- my road? Am I at the right spot, fulfilling today's purpose? Am I? Will I be tomorrow? I pray and reflect and do what I think is right, with what I am able.I have spent so much time this past year surviving and I know - can feel - that I am transitioning into THRIVING. Thus, the things on my mind and the way I feel ensue. As my spirit and mind move back into thriving (a much more desirable position)- are my day to day activities and focuses following properly in suite??

Eternity is beckoning me forward again and it makes me eager... my job...my duties... I must not allow the idea that they are mundane seep in. God knows and I fight to keep myself not only in His will, but in His time-line.

Cloudless Nights: By Rachel Rane 2006

A cloudless night descend and the stars take the stage
An illuminating act for this audience of two
A comet shreds through the sky, I'm distracted by your face
Cuz' baby, your eyes are so blue

Our nerves are high, we're not accustomed to this play
All this building fear makes me want to hide
We can't let insecurities get in our way
So baby, let me inside

I didn't know what I was looking for
Till you walked through my back door

Love, it's always been on my mind
And love, please come in the nick of time
Love, save me from this childish grave
Set this woman free from her cage
With your hand, I know I can stand

Nostalgia's thick, it's scent sweeps though my hair
I remember a night like this, not beautiful nor tame
The clouded curtains closed, the winds were so unfair
Cuz' baby, I was bound in chains (so I prayed)

"God, I can't find my way, this darkness has been so cruel
I've tasted of this earth and drank it's poisoned bliss
I wanna believe that you can love this tattered girl
So rain down, and heal my callousness!"

I didn't know what I was looking for
Till you walked through my back door

Love, it's always been on my mind
And Love, you came in the nick of time
Love saved me from this foolish grave
And set this sinner free from her cage
With your hand, I know I can stand

Baby, time is all we have
The veracity of our affections is a must
It's time to trust
Your plans, my plans, our plans-
Disparate dreams can be attained
If we let God reign

Love should always be on our minds
And love will come in the nick of time
Love will save us from our timorous ways
And set us free from self-inflicted cages
And with His hand, I know we will stand

I didn't know what I was looking for
Till you walked through my back door

Real Joy Vs. The Child

Back to joy: allow yourself some room for joy! I have learned a little motto at the church I attend (The Highlands) that I love a lot. It goes: Don’t merely seek happiness in life - happiness is a temporary emotion; seek instead joy which is lasting because it changes you internally - it transforms you!

I have always been a lighthearted joyous person. This is because God transformed me when I was a little girl, and then did another re-haul in my youth at which point, I was slain in the joy of the Spirit (sorry for those who have no idea what I am talking about). Ever since then, I have had joy abounding from somewhere inside. This abundance brings about certain behaviors in me. I love to jump around and laugh and dance all over the place, and it’s not for attention because I mostly do it when I am by myself. I like to play games and laugh at nothing and everything. I speak in accents on a whim to whoever happens to be present. I find life very humorous: in all of it’s little nuances and I cherish them in whatever form I see fit. I am easily entertained. This is a good thing because it allows me to be comfortable and enriched whether I am around people or by myself. I am unashamed. I am not worried that someone might judge me. I am only concerned with Christ and being true to my heart.

That means, if I’m happy and my heart is telling me to jump – I jump. If I want to shout out because I love Jesus – I’m gonna shout. If I feel like breaking out into some sweet dance moves – I will. If I feel the urge to attack my sister with hugs and kisses – I attack. If my heart convulses with love for someone - I let them know how precious they are. If something is funny, even if I am the only one in the entire movie theater who thinks so – I laugh.

Sadly, there are certain people who take this kind of behavior as childish. I am not trying to create a category of people, I just say this because the joy that I have has actually been addressed negatively by a few people (both peers and older) in the span of my teen to adult life. I have noticed, however, the people who have addressed me always seem to struggle with their own contentment and real joy. When I was a child, of course I needed my parents to pull in the reigns on my craziness. But today, I’m speaking about the joy of the Lord that is rooted within me. I gotta admit- name calling still kinda hurts even as a half-adult. I mean, it’s my heart they are really saying something about. So sue me: I love to live each moment to the hilt of the situation. It’s nothing against anyone else . . . it’s just how I roll.

Wrapping up: my past has been minimal hurtful compared to the amount of AMAZING it has been (thank you Jesus). God’s grace, though vast and wide and stretching and profoundly awe-striking - it is still not a good idea to take it for granted. I am excited to fully grow up yet keep my true heart while doing so- I just gotta keep figuring it out day by day. I must do this because that is what God wants. I must do this for the future of my dreams and the things that God has called me to like my future husband, my future family and my future ministries.

Mercy and the Allegory of Acne

Ok, so you kinda get a do-over when you make a certain type of mistake for the first time and then you learn your lesson. Well, there’s a whole second level of foolishness that goes beyond that. When you’ve made the mistake and you learn from it but then for whatever reasons, you do it again – in full light and knowledge of what you are doing. You know what I’m talking about.

Let me throw something out there about God’s grace and you may feel free to disagree with me. God’s grace is always there. It is never taken from us. However, in my personal experience I believe that God allows different seasons as to how he chooses to bestow his grace. For instance: he can decide to coddle you through something – even if you are in sin, you may still feel his presence near and he may remind you up front how much he loves you and is waiting for you. Or, you can be sinning and perhaps God has decided that he doesn’t want to hold your hand as much so he pulls his presence from your life: like those times where you feel the Holy Spirit has taken a vacation from your insides. And there’s the oh-so-christianese phrased ‘dry times’ where your trekkin along on the ‘straight and narrow’ road like whistling Dixie and suddenly you run right smack into an invisible wall of seeming silence from God.

My theory on my theory is that God knows exactly what we need at exactly each moment. Whether we are blatantly sinning or making silly mistakes or right on the path, he knows when we need to be held, disciplined, quieted, left to ourselves, etc for our spiritual growth. Again, I say this from my personal experiences.

So back to this whole ‘sorting through joy and simple foolishness’ thing. There’s this one thing that kept sneaking up on me in the last four months or so . . . I want to punch it, and myself, in the face - seriously. I would like to take it out into the middle of the square hang it by its neck and set it on fire. My period of hand-held grace ended long ago. No excuses now . . . it needs to be flogged and trashed, never to see the light of day again.

As I make (stumble, trip, run) my way forward into woman-hood it is my duty to shed the things that have gotten too old to deal with. I don’t need and don’t want to carry into my future unnecessary foolishness. This reminds me of my ‘Acne’ allegory, which I will share with you now (I am sure you are smart enough to dig out the spiritual implications without me having to do it for you):

Acne: it’s defiantly a part of being young but it’s not like anyone’s pining to carry that on with them into adulthood. You don’t like the zits, of course, but at first you’re not really sure what to do about it and they’re infrequent enough for you to ignore and go about your life. Unfortunately, after leaving them unattended they begin to multiply and their appearance becomes too frequent for comfort: you can’t take it anymore. You find yourself overwhelmed at the sight of red and yellow pubescent puss pockets on you face so you start poking and prodding, squeezing and pinching but you make it worse because you are no face physician. Finally, you realize that if you really, really want to rid your face off all that ick you’re gonna have to suck it up, spend the dough and get deep cleaning, clinically approved face wash and if it’s bad enough, outside help. Once you do that though; once you make that vital step – your face immediately starts to clear up and you as a person start to feel more confident that you will make it in life. You move on with your head held high, so thankful for Oil of Ole and its creator - no matter how much it cost you.

Sadly no one, including myself, will ever be exempt from making dumb decisions. I don’t like that part about humanity but I love God’s mercy, whatever form it takes in my life.

My Dilemma

Life is interesting enough without me having to add my own inadequacies and quirky behaviors to it. I feel so in the middle sometimes; like between a woman and a young adult. Perhaps because that’s where I am? I just feel the need to draw out a defined line between the two but I don’t know if that’s possible. I say I feel the need because, being the reflective individual that I am, it would be nice to analyze the two sides of the spectrum that still exist within me (or do they?) and what parts of being young can coexist with being an adult (such an intriguing word).

I do do do want to grow into a wonderful adult woman and am enjoying what (minimal) progress I have made so far. I just would like to believe that one can become an adult without becoming void of all youthfulness or fun and without turning into something overly serious and overly ritualistic. I would like to morph into someone who is serious about what needs to be serious and leaves room for joy and the outward expressions of that for all the other times (not to say that the two can’t exist at the same time) and yes, occasionally nerdy-ness.

So, my dilemma becomes shifting through the difference between light hearted joy and simple foolishness. In the next few blogs, I will address this in my life.